sadie and muah

Ever since I did an update I am lost with this blog as I can not seem to see anything I write after the update  So here I am doing a test scribble to see If it will show up. I miss writing!

I remember

I will always and forever

The day you left

 

In the stillness  of the night

The clock strikes midnight

I  was in deep slumber

 

It is the day of my birth

Blessed day of Shabbath

The day you  left

 

Four years almost

The ache still resurfaces

It was a sad but blessed day

 

We will be always joined

In memories shared and cherished

Love bound by souls connected

 

I know you can hear me

So I look to the heavens

An opening in the twinkling  stars

 

To acknowledge

A soul so missed

The day you leFt

I took my first two lessons in Seal Beach from a teacher that is called the St. of Seal Beach. I call him the angel that surfs. I brave the waters last Saturday and wore a wet suit that was a size larger than what I should wear. After the first day I had a bruised right knee and had a massage after so I can go back to the waters the following day.

 

Day 2 was pretty good and on the first half of the lesson I was able to ride some waves all the way in  I was just happy to show up in my own wet suit and  was patient enough to sequence my movements so I can stand up on the board. It is a sport that requires patience and some zen. Both traits does not come naturally for me so I it is a good exercise . I twisted my knee towards the end and I am nursing a sprain. I so loved the 2 days though that I want this knee to heal fast so I can go back to the waters again. Call that insanity but this summer I intend to surf every chance I can get.

 

The day eneded eating lunch with some of the teachers from the class. I sat with the angel and his wife. The gift though is hearing some personal stories about these two beautiful human beings. I cried because I was so touched and truly honored to hear a beautiful story. It was so worth walking limping to the restaurant because messengers come in many forms and that Sunday I heard  my message.

 

Amazing week! I also read 2 poems in public at an open mic at the Un urban cafe. It just happened fast and I showed up. It was amazing like I felt home.

 

 

namaste,

 

ging

 

 

 

 

It is memorial weekend and the last day of a memorable one. I bid  goodbye to someone dear to my heart. I do not have the words to describe the ache I feel.  A  likeness of being similar and yet different.  I come from a home that knows how to love and that seems to be a curse  because what comes natural to me can be so foreign to you.  If only I can just love you enough until you can love yourself. If only you can open enough just to let me in.

 

The voice that echoes from a world that I know and yet there are secrets within. I know you from the past and therefore I lingered tempted to reconnect. I tried so hard but it is not enough and I had to let go because it is never enough. Unselfish love is not enough to offer .  The illusions of the outside world I never wanted and I was contented to have the moments where the lightness of being was there. Did you feel  it as much as I felt it?

 

There is no anger just the sadness as you held me knowing  that it has to pass. Transitions , impermanence and the time to let go.  The tears started rolling and I can not help but sob. As I walk away from a place so familiar I had to look back and hope you will find happiness all the days of your life.  You were a friend and I will miss that friendship but for now I have to hibernate and nurse a broken heart. Take care you as the healer breaks and the doctor has to swallow the aches from within.

 

I cry to the heavens and I know that the divine is listening for a good heart deserves to be heard. I offer my sadness  and the end of a freindship  I will surely miss.

 

 

 

God time really flies and May is almost finished. I am drinking my favourite Jasmine pearl courtesy of a last buy from the Zen garden that is now closed. I have bought a few items to remember the place and I hope someone else takes over . It will not be the same but at least a semblance of an Oasis will still be there.

 

It has been difficult to scribble in the mornings as I started a new schedule that starts at 5:00 am at home. Yes I work from 5-8:00 am at home and head tot he office. It has been hectic as I have putting in 50 hour week schedule. I am enjoying the long weekend although I must admit I worked for an hour so by Tuesday I will be ready to start the week.

 

Sadie just turned 10 years old this month and she is still a babe. I had  a facial yesterday and I was reminded that I do not drink enough water as my skin is so dehydrated that I am breaking out for the first time. I have to learn to slow down eniough to take care of myself while I am working. Of course there are changes that I am adjusting like the work schedule  and not having a scheduled lunch break.  I have not been having my regular salads for lunch which sucks and I eat later in the afternoon that by the time I  eat I binge. I have not gained the weight I have lost which is great but I really need to focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. It is hard!

 

 

My dear sister left yesterday at 9:00 pm  as she text me she was boarding her flight back to Manila. She was here last Thanksgiving and last year around this time we came back together on the  same flight. I still get home sick after 18 years and I miss my sister  Last Thursday would have been R's 45th birthday so last night it finally hit me and I burst into tears. When will I stop missing him! I guess I will never ever it seems. Even my boss at work remembered his birthday and she was just so sensitive to me she did not mention anything until I did at the end of the day.  It was a light workload Thursday as If the universe knew to give me a break.

 

I took my sister to sushi for dinner last Friday night and we had dimsum in Chinatown for lunch. We also visited Elixir who is closing down next month. My oasis in the city is moving to Newport. I am sad about that too as my source for my fave elixir called blues buster will be so many miles away. I wonder what will happen to the bamboo cornered seats that I so love and where K and I sat on our first date.

 

So many things are  changing as I try to stay on course. My brother is moving to Australia to work with his family following as well. My mama and papa just got back from a summer vacation form Bacolod and they are planning for next summer when I can finally come home once again.

 

I am also impatient these days and grouchy. It is that time of the month I suppose. I also know that I have a pinch in my heart .

 

 

 

It is finished the season of lent culminating to Easter yesterday.  I have survived another Passover and the the 4th year I have not particpated in any seder. I mostly miss the company of a soul that has met his maker. The blues that  hovers over me is slowly dissipating the same as the previous lents I have been thru. It is difficult to still adjust but I manage to stay intact. I tried to pay my respects to the season and In my attempt I was disturbed by the party atmosphere in my apratment building on Black Saturday. I asked someone if this is typical and If so where was I and why is that I did not noticed this before.

 

As I walked the sands of Venice yesterday morning there were signs of parties as well. What was the celebration about the day before Easter Sunday? I on the otherhand am grateful for my compassionate God who understnds me inspite of my frailties. I do have this understanding with him that lets me let go of my Catholic guilt.  There were actions that allowed me and reminded me of forgiveness. Small actions such as forgiving the waiter's inattentiveness and giving the tip inspite of the service. Forgiveness for his frailty. Walking away from a beggar whose way of saying thanks was bulgarity so early in the morning. I trembled hearing the words pertaining to my behind after giving him alms and him asking for more. I walked faster away from this man to catch up with K and witnessed the exchange of words. I had to held on to K's arm for comfort and to stop further escalation of unnecessary craziness early morning on Easter.

 

So I survived this season and I await the coming of my sister this Sunday night. She will be home in time for R's bithday and I am so blessed to have her. God puts people around me specially when I need extra handling. April can be a tough month at times but I am always held it  seems.

 

I am reminded by the tree on West Hollywood that is marked " Not Lucky but Blessed" , truly I am and I am so grateful.

 

 

namaste,

 

ging

 

 

I was ill yesterday so I opted not to report for work. I am still a liitle off this morning but I have to force myself to head to the office. In my illness yesterday I managed to get my taxes done.  Finally that is out of the way and in a way it was making me anxious as I normally do not wait this late to get it done.

 

I also realized that I really need to set boundaries with people because I have a  tendency to help without thinking the long range effect on me . I help too much.  I had a lovely weekend and I am almost finished with the book "Ask and it is Given". I am practising some of  the excercises in the book that helps in the art of allowing things that I desire to happen. I have to believe and not doubt so I do not obstruct the flow to come into fruition.

 

I have discovered as well that I am in a place that giving does not deplete me anymore. I am so ok that I do not have agendas hidden in being nice. This is another step to be transparent and honest.

 

I am delighted I received a gift last Saturday night and had a lovely dinner. Thanks for my star earrings and I really treasure it. I  had my morning walk on Venice as well but I did not write because It did not move me to write.

 

Passover is coming so is Holy Friday and soon R's birthday. I have melancholy I have to admit that  there is this pinch in my heart when April comes that is hard not to acknowledge. It is there and I know why. I wish one day it will just go away. K makes an effort in his own way to be expressive and to show the side that only few people has been invited to witness. I am able to enjoy what we have for he is a soul that has touched my soul. It will be 2 years  soon since we have met and I have learned patience. He is in my heart and that is so true to ignore. I adore that smile that escapes him that I can draw and that makes it enough.

 

 

namaste,

 

ging

Such irony so early in the morning  I have decided to recommit on my writing hence the scribbling before I am to see the wizard. It is the start of the week and I am dressed well showing off the little pouch that I have in my tummy. I have started to accept that my body is different compared to some 18 years ago. It takes a lot to keep that bulge in the middle under ocntrol but exercise is a must in order to stay healthy. I have lost a dress size or two specially when I am in between my rice intakes. I have limited  my carbs as I can not eat rice daily specially if it is white.

 

My tummy is rumbling for food and hopefully an apple will keep it in check until lunch time. I had a full week that started with sunset last Thursday. The walk on the sand of Venice soothes my restless soul. I reconnected during lunch with ex officemates of mine indulging in Mexican food. It was a trip to memory lane and It was a weird feeling to be back in an area I met R.  Yesterday  I was back back sitting on my rock in Venice enjoying breakfast and finally started to write . I scribbled some four pages in long hand mostly of memories as I am doing something autobiographical. I also went to my fave Thai Resto along PCH called Cholada. I enjoyed the meal and conversations with my girl friend S who is again going to India on a buying trip.

 

I pray for guidance and direction. I pray for the universe to give us the gift of continuous giving. It would solve a lot of problems when we can continously give to each other instead of continuosly taking.  The end of power struggles . Oh Nirvana can be attainable and I pray that I can contribute and be my best as I navigate and participate in the world.

 

namste,

 

ging

 

 

If I am to  be asked where I want to be in March I would say I would love to be in Tokyo to see Colbert's nomadic museum showcasing Ashes and Snow. I missed this show last year in Santa Monica and  I was trying to remember what I was so busy about. I had to go back to my blog and be reminded I went to the Philippines last year and that the first quarter was pretty much spent preparing for that visit.

 

I was watching glimpses of the show on the webiste and I can never get enough of the visuals. When I saw  a framed picture of an elephant in water I was transformed to the memories of my recurring dream. I have always dreamed of giggling elephants doing back strokes and that picture made my dream so real. To know that an artist spent 10 years of  his life creating these images is just far out. I love elephants as a  result of that dream and as I age the more I seem to get closer to these creatures. I am blessed to be have ganesha in my home and I wear a red necklace of him around my neck. Ganesha, he removes obstacles. Even to a stubborn creature that I am , he helps me let go so I can go back and journey on my karmic path. I do delay it intentionally as I am a hard student of hard knocks. I love to toil and learn the aches and pains. I linger because I do not like regrets which I  have none. I have given all the possibilities that I can before I stop and continue on my journey.

 

The elephant of my dreams, giggling in merriment and joy, exploring the waters. I still remember the joy those dreams have given me. I woke up the first time telling the story and feeling silly like  a child. I wish I can just drop everything and see this exhibit just like that. I am afterall feeling restless once more. At the beach yesterday morning as I gaze at the skies with planes deaprting I am reminded of my spirit of flight. I am forver learning and searching to find answers to quench the spirit that is restless.

 

namaste,

 

ging