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February 04 So I was AbsentMy God It has been forever since I wrote and here I am on a Saturday morning after a good work out. I can still feel the heat of the sauna turninG my cheeks red. The impermanence of life it seems explains my absence. My old Dell laptop is in semi retirement and I am getting used to the cow , Gateway that is and a desk top this time.
I still need to upgrade my USB port so I can use my old wireless mouse and keyboard so I can just type away. So life has been hectic at work since November when we transitioned to a new software called Oracle. The name reminds me of Greek Gods and Godesses. I have adjusted to work and as I settle I am adjusting my pace so I can take more work. I have moved to a new cubicle closer to my immediate bosses and It was a good strategic move in a way. Ofiice politics is a way of life no matter where you work and each entity has their own dynamics. I was impressed with myself because I am learning detachment as I only had a few personal items to move. My space at the office speaks highly of who I am as a person. The personal items consisted of a picture of Sadie, a dragon drawing from a co worker's son, a purple small budha, an amethyst stone and a blue bottle with organic flower in it. Not bad for someone who has a problem of leting go of things. What do you think?
Aside from work the holidays contributed to my absence from this space. I had a lovely Christmas and New Year's eve. I did a cleasing ritual last Jan. 31st that involved candles,incense,bubbles,flowers,bells,good intentions , earth and tobacco. I have thrown away things from my past that is time to let go of.
I am deciding wether I will be working out this morning at the gym or throw my pilates cd instead and stay home. I did workout heavy yesterday so I deserve a light one today. I have to head to Venice sometime today as I need to check on a cat named Blue. She is K's cat who 2 weeks ago stayed at my apartment with her owner while their home was getting fumigated. This time I will need to check on her as K will be in Memphis for almost a whole month. Last night she decided to lick her bottom raw and red to get a much needed attention. So Blue is smart and knows K gets to a zone when he is working. I saw him last night in the midst of getting everything ready and entertaining me as well. He managed to have Vietnamese food that I requested so I got the attention I needed I suppose.Now the hard part of getting used to not having him in Venice until the 21st and I am hoping the reality show shoot is fixed.
What a diference compared to this time this year as my Steelers is not playing today in the Superbowl. K will not be around to watch it either.
Sadie is still snoring away as i finish this blog entry at 8;37 am on a Sunday and I send good thoughts to K up in the air as he heads to Memphis.
I send my prayers to R'S brother, may he embrace the consequences of his actions so he can start a road to recovery and change.
I forgive you and I wish you guys relief from grief and guilt.
namaste,
ging
September 23 Citizen I amI made it to the last Citizenship Oath taking this year at the LA Convention center. I was at the morning batch, one of the almost 5,000 patiently lining up and following directions. I did not realize how emotional it can be for me realizing I am the first in my family and maybe the last to come and be an American citizen. My purpose then is to open the door for my siblings so they will not have to go through the hard way that I did.
It is not a coincidence that it is the New Year as well so it is like a very good start of the year. I miss Jewish food though and I did not go thru my initial plan of going to temple which is suppose to be a first. Although I received a huge flower arrangement last Monday from a red head in Pasadena I have made a decision that I can not see him anymore. I finally met someone that so loves me and yet I can not connect completely because spritually it is not there. He does not get me spiritually nor was he interested. I thought going to temple which was a big thing for both of us will give me a change to connect and yet God interceeded again for me in a big way. We parted as friends and I feel he believes that it can be worked out. I just want him to do things for himself and not because it is a way to get back with me.
This weekend I felt not judged for the first time since I have been with him and I feel spacy which is odd. I miss doing things and really participating in life but I can't lie to myself to admit it is not making me happy. How can I when I can not be myself without feeling that I have to defend who I am as a person.
I feel being silly and last Friday night I was able to be just me in Venice. Italian food and sweet wine topped the day. I am in a purging mood so I cleaned today and there is more to do. April 20 I AM IN MANILAI am at my father's office waiting for his party to start. Well I am back at 2:16 am as the household is still in dreamland. I had a few sleeping spells yesterday including retiring as soon as we got back from the party. It is hot in Manila and temperature yesterday was in the 80's. I am glad there is airconditioning in the house. I am adjusting to being back home again surrounded by family. I am adjusting to the environment as well. Dad's party was pretty emotional and I am truly blessed to be back home at this time. ginng December 30 Dialogues with My parentsI called overseas last night in the hopes of talking to mom so I can get some girl talk but I was disappointed because she did not have time as my father's brother and wife are on their way to visit She is running late she said. Dad picked up the phone but I am not used to chit chat with dad so we had a few interchage. My dad is retiring in April after 41 years of service with Philippine Airlines and I sensed sadness in his voice specially he will not be there to participate with 18 new planes being delivered by next year. I did not realize how much passive competition I grew up in until last night. Well it was pretty vocal I suppose from Dad last night. There was mention of how much he was earning in comparison to all my siblings and how everybody is doing so well. Growing up I was the standard that evryone was suppose to follow. In school I delivered what I felt was what was expected from me. As my sister said it was hard to follow so I am glad that I left home so they can shine in their own right. There were no comparisons to follow just their own individual selves. I mentioned some of my dreams to Dad in that short conversation. Mom AND DAD share the same image in their heads of where I should be which is back home and how I should be which is married raising a family.
Although I have distanced myself so I can listen and be true to my voice for the past 16 years all I need to do is talk to my parents and I get to listen and be affected in some way. I know they mean well but I am who I am and I am proud of the choices that I have made. Being raised catholic of course helps reinforced some of the guilt that although not real creeps in when I get to be the daughter talking to my parents. Oy vey and they still talk of me coming home for good. Although I must say I am tempted I can't visualize living too close to home let alone living under one roof which they always hint on. So at 41 it is still a challenge to talk to mom and dad. I just need to play that tape in my head that says we love you and we just want the best for you specially you are in a foreign land so far away from home.
Namaste,
Ging
December 07 CHAPTER III - BIRDS OF FLIGHTThe sun was rising that morning and the beach was full of energy. As she walks along the quaint houses from the hardness of the road to the softness of the sand she breaths in the energy of her surroundings. It was a long restful stroll as she gazed at people that seem joyful that morning. She reaches the pier and stops to watch the surfers waiting for that wave. They look like black birds on top of the waves waiting to take its flight. She is reminded of someone waiting for her. She wanders how this black bird handles the waves. She pictures his lean body as it rides the waves and it brings her a smile.
As she ends her stroll she felt serene and totally refreshed. She enters his home as he finishes his workout. It was a first to see him immersed in his activity.She waits for him as he cleans up and she gazes at her surroundings. The home is neatly organized and sends a message that an artist resides in it. There are so many shapes and forms all around. The white cat called Blue is observing this stranger in this house. The secnt of candles lingers in the air. There are bowls and jars that seems to be a signature. It is overcast outside and the inside is colder. She curls her feet as she absorbs and feels home.
She was totally relaxed as he joins him watching the insane world of fashion. It made her laugh. He reaches to her with his gentle hands and it made her feel how familiar it is. She enjoys the moment and the excellent company. to be continued...... November 13 CHAPTER II - A ROAD TAKENShe woke up from slumber as the sun is peeking on a new day. She instantly felt something different about this Friday. What are her intentions for the day? She maps out in her mind the thoughts that are shaping up so she can send her messages to the universe for that day. Surprise me as she meditates and try to create her world that day.
The past has been on her mind lately. She is haunted by it because it seems it is colliding with her present. Tonight she made a decision to take a look back as she is faced with a major crossroad. She has opened the door of possibilities because in her heart she has to know.
How many opportunities does one get to face and explore one's past? Not too many and when it came she bravely entered it. There were no expectations only possibilities. It felt right and yet she was cautious. She looked at his face and felt that familiar tug in her heart. The fondnes never left and yet she is looking at him thru a different set of eyes. It felt as if she never left. The scent still lingers. He is different and there is a certain lightness that transcends him. They are both different and yet familiar. She kissed him and it felt so right that all logic felt flying out in the stangeness of the night.
As the body meets the soul she felt somehow home. No questions asked and yet they were answered. The night comes to a close and time to bid goodbye. As she stares at the present she does not question nor doubt. As words echo in the air, She believes.
April 05 CHAPTER I - THE DREAM OF A GARDENIT WAS FROM A DEEP SLEEP THAT SHE WAKES UP TO. THE NIGHT IS WINDY AND THE WIND IS HOWLING. SHE RUSHES TO CLOSE HER WINDOW HOPING TO SHUT OUT THE OUTSIDE GUSH OF AIR. THE CLOCK STRIKES 12:00 AND SHE SHRUGS THE FAMILIARITY OF WAKING UP ONE MORE NIGHT TO THE CALL OF MIDNIGHT. SHE GETS HER PEN TO WRITE LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES ON NIGHTS AS FAMILIAR LIKE THIS ONE. HER JOURNAL IS HER MEMORY NOW AS SHE HAS LOST AND FORGOTTEN SO MUCH SINCE THE ACCIDENT 2 YEARS AGO. THE MIND IS SO POWERFUL AS HERS CLOSED TO ALOT OF MEMORIES. IS IT TO PROTECT HER? IF SHE CAN JUST REMEMBER ALL OF IT AS SHE FIGHTS TO FIND WHAT WAS DEEPLY HIDDEN IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS. SHE HAS MANAGED TO SLEEP BETTER NOW WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF MEDICATION. NOW HER DREAMS ARE BACK SO VIVID IT IS SO REAL AT TIMES.WAS SHE WAKING UP FROM A DREAM THIS TIME AS SHE DRINKS WATER TO QUENCH HER THIRST. OH YES THERE WAS THIS DREAM OF FLOWERS AND A GARDEN. SHE CLOSES HER EYES AS SHE TRIES TO REMEMBER THE DREAM WORLD SHE WAS AT BEFORE SHE WAS AWAKEN. OH YES TONS OF ROSES IN VARIOUS COLORS ON A ROOF OVERLOOKING THE CITY. IT WAS A SECRET GARDEN THAT SHE HAPPENED TO STEP INTO. THE SCENT OF SWEET ROSES PERFUMED THE AIR. WHO GARDENS THIS BEAUTIFUL PLACE SHE WONDERS? SHE STROLLS AROUND FINDING PEACE AND COMFORT. THE FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING AS IT PROCLAIMS THE GARDENERS HAND OF AFFECTION. LIKE A WOMAN'S SKIN GLOWING FROM HIS MAN'S CARESS THE ROSES' ARE ALL AGLOW FROM THE EXCITEMENT OF THE MORNING SUN SUSTAINED BY THE NURTURE OF THE GARDENERS HANDS. SHE MUST MEET THIS SOUL WHO TENDS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE. SHE RECOGNIZES THE AFFINITY OF A PRESENCE. DO I KNOW THIS SOUL? HAVE I SEEN THE FACE? HIS EYES ARE AS GREEN AS THE LEAVES AROUND. SHE BRAVELY GAZED INTO HIS EYES TO REACH HIS SOUL. IT WAS A GENTLE SOUL SHE SENSES. HE WILL NOT SPEAK A WORD TO HER BUT HE ACKNOWLDEGES HER PRESENCE WITH A SMILE. QUESTIONS WERE RACING IN HER BRAIN BUT THE WORDS WILL NOT COME OUT. THE MOMENT WAS SO PERFECT THAT WORDS SEEM INCONSEQUENTIAL. SHE FEELS UNDERSTANDING AND COMFORT FROM THIS BEING AND HIS CREATION. SHE FEELS AT HOME WITH THE SCENT AND THE WARMTH OF THE SUN. SHE FEELS PROTECTED WITH THAT GAZE SHE HAD EXPERIENCED BEFORE. ALL THESE FEELINGS SO FAMILIAR AND SHE WAKES UP TO THE SCENT OF ROSES. |
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