As you glimpse the window to my soul  I have opened and yet. The soul is dislodged and violated as I hear that laughter. How I wish I did not hear and yet it needed to be heard. The heart beats fast and tears starts to fall. Did I hear that right? It is just a message and like a dagger it entered my being. That is my answer! The fascination is truly a love of a being. You have memories shared I get that. How do i compete to a life together and to a past rekindled?

 

Oh I wish I can erase the memories so I do not have to ache. I will miss a friend and I feel betrayed. I can not abandon myself no matter how much I love you so. I release you because I love you enough. Fly Blue and follow your heart. Seek her for you love her. I have to admit I am sad but I love you enough to wish you well. I love you enough to surrender and pray to the heavens that you have made the right choice. The choice of your heart and the now, Forever goodbye to the past so it will  be the now. I release a breath to the high heavens and acknowledge my friend who happens to be still in love with the ghost from the past that have resurrected today.

 

 

 

 

I am the creator of my possibilities.  I choose the moments that becomes who I am. I choose the people that I interact with. I call the universe and my intentions are heard. The mind is really powerful. Every action is a conscious decision to choose what becomes part of my world. Like I choose to write right now @ 8:47 AM on a Sunday and I have chosen  this topic.

 

This is more like a reaffirming time for me as things are happening that for example was in my thought 6 weeks ago and it happened just like what I wanted. I have to read that writing excercise and see what else I have written in there.

 

I am finally getting excited about my trip to the point that it is just a few details that are left undone so I am ahead of schedule. Possibilities in Manila are abundant and I feel it in my core so I will just have to be surprised in some level by the universe.

 

The morning is overcast and I am headed to Hermosa Beach to meet up with Sam and Dan. I intend to stop by Dan's shoe shop store in Manhattan Beach. It has been awhile since I have been in the area so this can be interesting revisit for me.Things happen for a reason and it is not a cliche.

 

 

ging

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like the wind silently howling it haunts and follows me. Words not said and left unsaid. Between the lines written encrypted with letters and phrases that seem to be blotted for the reader not to see. The shield not to hurt appears but there is pain in the words unsaid. Like a jagged knife it pierces the soul as the intellect tries to comprehend between the lines. Unfinished business it presents as one can not echo back what is in the heart.

 

In the silence aches immeasurable to describe lingers. The fondness that was freely given was snatched away as if there was a darkness looming. In a moonless night I seek the light but can not see beyond. I see a face that is no longer familiar. A shadow has emerged and the coldness frightens me. Do I know you? I must have known you for I have opened the soul for you to see.

 

As I search for a reason, for an understanding, I am lost forever to know the truth. I long to hear that familiar voice that encourages that I may no longer hear again. I have lost a friendship that in the dead of the night was stolen. Where art thou kind soul? I seek you inspite of uncertainty. I close my eyes and visions of you engulfs my being. Love lost, love unsaid , love that may never come again.

 

 

It rained yesterday ushering in a crisp lovely morning. My winter classes are winding down and by the time I get back to the States in May  it will be the  start of Spring. There is really a time for everything.

 

A time for birth and a time for death. A time to travel and revisit the past that continues to be my today. A time to reflect and be silent relishing in the stillness of solitude. A time to be in love and a time to be broken hearted. A time to cherish and be cherished. A time to remember and a time to create memories. A time to speak and a time to hold back. A time to be heard and a time to listen. A time to understand and a time to be understood.

 

A moment in time is all I have as I navigate my way in this world. Emotions are timeless. I remember moments and I am transported to that emotion as if yesterday was now. Oh I am so blessed for being able to have the memories and remembering them. Memories are my treasures that I write about because the words seem to forever immortalize them. I write so that I will never forget. I write so that I will remember  the moments when self doubt creeps in. I write because it is healing. I write because it is time to remember you ..........

 

 

 

 

namste,

 

 

GING

 

 

This is such a big subject. I have been coming out of my shell so to speak in the last three years. I have challenged myself to try things that I do not normally do. As a kid I have been raised with kid gloves specially around sports. Both of my parents are not the athletic types so I was never exposed to any. Last summer I tried kayaking and I love it. I am looking forward to this summer to kayak once more. This semester I have enrolled in kick boxing and pilates. I discovered I love doing both as well. My next goal is to learn golf and restudy Japanese. I will also do yoga in May when I return back to the States. I never knew this is all possible when Roge was alive. A whole new world seems to unravel right before my eyes. A sense of new possibilities.

 

Last night on the way to class I broke my routine by stopping for coffee. I do not normally drink coffee at 6:00 at night but I was famish but there was nothing interesting to eat thus the coffee. As I was about to cross the street I was almost run over by a car. Almost but not quite. It dawn on me that I am no longer afraid of death. I have that sense of readyness I never had before. I have no unfinish business to address. Growing up I was afraid of death. I was fearful that Mom will die early and leave us. I felt responsible and helpless at the same time. These are issues too heavy for a young child and yet I was faced with it. The reality of losing someone you love and still making it in the world without them. That did not become a reality as a child but as an adult it happened with Roger's death.

 

To reach a threshold where you can either feel defeated or learn the lesson. I accepted his death and learned the reason behind the death. I was able to face my fear of losing. I lost in order for me to gain. I have lost a significant part of my life in order to know that I am complete on my own. I am not just Roger's other half I was Agnes' before we met and I was still the myself when he left. .........

 

will have to return

 

 

 

I am reading a book on a reason for everything and one of the questions in the book is being at home in the world. When I was in Manila the place of my birth I always felt I was destined to be in the States. I did not know how and when but I just knew.

 

Today I will be in the States for 16 years now and I know that I am a free spirit. My home is the universe and I am where I am because of a purpose. I am able to live away from family because of this reason. I still get home sick I think that feeling will never leave me but I am able to find comfort in living with myself.

 

Big things happen to all of us mine was the death of Roger and it is for a reason. That death taught me that I have yet to live on my own until that day of my birthday. I discovered a strength that I was always afraid to show. It came alright because I needed to survive and live. When Roge was alive I always knew ours was borrowed time that is why I made my home his world. I was happy and content to be his support.

 

Today that death has allowed me to create my own in the world without him. Away from the voices of childhood, my family. I have learned not to be a reflection any lomger but live as who I am. I have discovered myself.

Dear One,

 

I am writing to you as this is the universe's answer for my yearning to hear me out. I guess this is not meant to be sent to you hence the title, my assignment yesterday from my teacher. I have been obsessed for a few days now to know what happened and then I realized there are things in this universe that I do not have to understand.

 

I have looked into my soul and realized that I have to go back to basics. I have loved unconditionally and therefore should be grateful for the opportunity to give love. I do love you in so many ways. I love you for being such a listener when I talk. I love you for being a cheerleader when I needed direction. I love because you are blue. I love you for the gentleness so true. I love you for the strength that towers. I love you for the smile that amazes me when it shows. I love you for that Thanksgiving by the beach, a perfect weekend. I love you for that Christmas Eve. I love you for Luna de luna. I love you for my forever light. I love you for an inspiring book. I love you for bringing heath into my life. I love you for all the wow moments we had. I love you for a Superbowl that is shared. I love you for the elephant in you. I love you for the full moon that shines thru my window.I love you because I just do.

 

I many never know the why  but the universe knows how I feel about you and that is enough. A friend asked me what will I say to you if we met in heaven. I say thank you for being part of my life and teaching me lessons for I will not be here today if not for you.

 

I release you with love and I wish you all the happiness in the world. Love is  patient.

 

 

namaste,

 

 

ging

 

This is an attempt to chronicle my life of 13 years as a non jewish girlfriend and my life beyond........

 

 

 

She is awaken to the a new world , a big 8 pound baby to a young couple in their twenties. She has her father's eyes and dimples. Her mother a very petite woman breast fed her giving her strong teeth to match her signature smile. As the first born and a girl she was spoiled growing up. Her father started at the only company he has ever worked in his entire life at the same time as when she was born. Her mother a strong woman that she is threatened to leave if his father does not get a job before she was born. Her dad struggled to finish school and work at the same time. Mom also tried to go back to school but the pressures of raising a family caught up with her. She almost finish education and he almost finish chemical engineering. Later on in life thier five kids gave them that elusive diplomas they never received.

 

Her world was so small compared to her world now and yet as a child it was the safest place on earth.Her mother  gave her the freedom to express herself evidence by her writings on the wall. She went to school as young as 3 years old. She used to pick up broken crayons at the kindergarten school in front of her home so she can do her scribbles. Her teacher had to talk to her mom to convince her to enroll the child as she is so eager to learn. She has a very long name and she practised so early to write it. She would come home to her younger brother of two years to teach him the lessons she learned that day. If that wall can speak it was a witness for her apssion for the written word.

 

The home increased it's size every two years until she had her only sister. Then the babies stopped until ten years later when her baby brother came to this world. She learned to help raise her siblings. She learned household chores at an early age. She remembers her first chore of getting his dad's slippers so he can change from his work shoes. How she started on waxing and scrubbing the entrance of the home until she was old enough to do the whole house. It was a lot of fun setting the bed and putting the mosquito net at night. She also did go to the market for food shopping very early. It started with getting fresh vegetable and whatever mom is missing at the house and later progressed to doing the weekly menu and buying food for the whole week. Even then she enjoyed the colors and smell of the market.

 

The mom stayed home and dad worked to support a family of five kids. They were not poor but they were not rich either. The kids never felt deprive it seems. The mom was a very strong voice in the house although the dad was always  given the respect due him. As an asian woman the mom learned how to be strong and yet let the dad assumed his place in the house. It was a mtrirachal home inside but to the outside world it was patrirachal.

 

Home to her was a two story apartment where she grew up until the family moved to the suburbs right after graduation from college. This was her home waking up as a child to the call of hot soy for breakfast in the morning. When there is no school she goes to the neighbors where there is a big lot full of fruit bearing trees. Summer was fun as you can pick guava, mango and berries while basking in the sun. Mother's concept of a healthy morning is hot soy for breakfast and frolic in the sun until 10:00 am for Vitamin D.